photo credit: bigstock.com/AshPentax

Boundaries are becoming a hot topic for people today and the more we learn about them the more we notice the huge positive influence they can have on our lives. Unfortunately many people have been raised without clear boundaries and no real understanding of how to set or enforce these ‘bottom lines’.

How you were raised, your level of self-confidence and your own understanding of what makes a healthy relationship, will all influence your boundaries and what you do to enforce them.  Personal violations in your life (abuse, co-dependency, privacy infringements, etc) can make you extra susceptible to having inconsistent and vague boundaries as an adult.

Fuzzy boundaries will rob you of your personal power quicker than anything else

Boundaries are the outside limits—a bottom line that provides a border for what’s acceptable versus what is not. For a country, boundaries (borders), let people know where that country’s authority begins and ends. They allow countries to make rules and guidelines about who may cross their borders and, what people who are within their boundaries, are allowed to do. You will find huge variations in how strongly these boundaries are enforced and how clearly the borders are defined, but the boundaries themselves will always be there.

Mutual respect, a sense of belonging, and trust all grow out of clear boundaries

Every unit of life has its boundaries; individuals, couples, families, schools, organizations, communities, cities and countries. These boundaries are based on each unit’s overriding values and are put in place to support those beliefs. They define the non-negotiable—the bottom line that a person may not cross without serious consequences occurring. A child who disrespects boundaries might find herself expelled from school, clubs, or even her home. A citizen of a country who disrespects boundaries might find himself locked up, exiled or in some situations executed.

Boundaries are what separate us from others.  Every unit of life has its boundaries – they help separate ME from US from THEM

Personal boundaries mostly apply to activities that involve our bodies—eating, bathing, touching, sleeping, as well as personal space and treatment by others. These boundaries are nonexistent when we are born, since babies rely on others to do everything for them, but slowly build up as the individual gains mastery over her self-care.

As she grows, her personal boundaries expand to include a need for privacy and personal decision-making, allowing her to decide the path she will choose in life. By the time she is an adult, these boundaries provide her with an understanding of what she will and will not tolerate from both herself and others.  It is important for us to become aware of our boundaries as they relate to us personally so we can stand in our power and be sure we are enforcing what’s really important to us.

What’s essential to understand is that boundaries are not bad – they are a necessity. They provide clarity about what is okay and what is not.  If we are not clear on our own boundaries others might cross them without realizing they are trespassing. Unknown boundaries are responsible for a lot of grief in relationships.

Boundaries and the rules that support them provide limits and structure that help make our world feel predictable and safe

Our boundaries are part of us, whether we are aware of them or not. Figuring out our bottom line behaviours allows us to be clear about what we will and will not tolerate in our lives. Boundaries help us feel safe, cared for and empowered!

We are family just like any other – mother, father, 2 teenage daughters, a dog from the shelter, 2 fluffy bunnies… But in many ways we are so different. We have big dreams and we go for them. We don’t want to regret anything. We want to live our lives to the fullest.

And we want to matter to others. That’s why we are going for 8 weeks to volunteer in Bali at Slukat Learning Center, which provide free after school education for the children.  The learning center has many programs such as English, Computers, Environmental Awareness, Yoga and Traditional Balinese Dance. Through these programs the children will gain their self respect and confidence, have high integrity and care for the environment and their tradition. For more visit www.family-pif-project.com

Is it possible for one idea to change the world? We strongly believe so.

“There’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” Scott Adams

Can you help us?

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. Sir Winston Churchill

One way is to donate some money to cover our costs and enable us to bring school supplies, stationary and such to these kids.

Whatever amount you are giving (be it 1 or 100 dollars) we are giving you something in return – workbook Playing the Life Lessons and 5 more programs and ebooks. And if you leave us your home address, we’ll send you souvenir from BaliJ Just go to www.family-pif-project.com

Or.. you can spread the word and share our experience with your friends.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!

Alenka

p.s. Together we can change the world, one good deed at a time. The volunteering project is our good deed, could helping us be yours? Please visit www.family-pif-project.com

Take out your keys and go quickly to your car.

These messages might sound similar – yet one feels urgent and produces fear, while the other feels important and suggests a guided action.  Both messages feel like they’ve come from inside our heads – so what’s the difference and why is it important we understand them?

Take out your keys and go quickly to your car is likely a message from your inner wisdom. Everyone has inner wisdom (although many ignore it) and with practice can turn up its volume.

Your inner wisdom might warn you of a potential problem, nudge you to move out of your comfort zone, guide you towards a chance encounter, or suggest a way you can build relationship with another. This wisdom can come to you as a voice, a thought, a picture, a feeling or even a dream.

Your inner wisdom in its simplest form provides guidance, helping you to recognize what’s right or wrong for you, providing necessary warnings and gently prodding you to grow to your greatest potential.

Get out of here fast! Especially when accompanied by thoughts like What were you thinking coming to this place at night or way to go now look at the mess you’re in, is a message from your inner critic and while it could be argued it’s trying to protect you the drama and emotional turmoil it creates will make it harder for you to do your best work.

This voice brings up failings from your past – both real and imagined.  It might tell you not to try something for fear of failure or make you doubt what you are already doing.  It will often sound snide (sometimes like somebody you know) and tends to criticize, condemn and complain.  The Critic is not something you have to live with, but without awareness will become a regular part of most people’s existence.

The reason people mix this voice up with their inner wisdom, is it too will point out potential problems, suggest new ideas and sound like it’s trying to help you fix relationships. It usually presents itself as a thought or voice in your head however it can surface as a picture or feeling as well.

Recognizing the inner critic:

• Uses words that are judgmental, harsh, condemning, insulting, hurtful…
• Brings up past mistakes, builds on them and makes you feel bad for trying something new
• Exclaims, sounds snide, digs for things that will arouse your emotion
• Says things in ways that instills fear, uncertainty, embarrassment, etc.

“You’re a terrible person – look how you hurt his feelings!”

“What makes you think you could do this right? You screw up everything, why would this be any different?

“You left the cat out again – you are a terrible owner, it’s a wonder that cat’s still alive!”

“The roads are icy and visibility is poor, it you drive in this you put your life at risk just for a meeting!”

Recognizing your inner wisdom:

• Uses non-judgmental language and is unbiased towards the outcome
• Information is given like an observation or suggestion – like something to note rather than must do
• No sense of urgency or emotional attachment
• Doesn’t make you feel afraid or even concerned – in fact, often comes with a calm sense of certainty

“His feelings look hurt.”

“Give him a hug.”

“Move the report away from the cup of coffee.”

“The cat is outside.”

“Look out the backdoor.”

“Don’t go to the meeting.”

“Switch lanes.”

Recognizing the difference between these two voices will help you reconnect to your own natural guidance and use it to help you really excel in life.

So the next time you hear a voice in your head, listen to how it’s talking to you.  If it’s emotional, critical or biased towards an outcome (i.e. don’t go!), then it’s likely the inner critic and is not there to help.  On the other hand, if this voice is calmly providing an unemotional message without any judgment or concern, it’s likely your inner wisdom and well worth taking notice.

Trouble watching the video? Watch it directly on Youtube

Trouble viewing the video? Check it out directly on Youtube

photo credit: bigstock.com/marting

It might be possible, but most would agree it will take some forethought, patience and creative thinking to make it happen.  In fact, many would reason, that it would be worth it to take the time and find something better suited to the job, like a knife, pliers, or (ideally) a drill/screwdriver, rather than use the hammer at all.

In other words…just because you have a hammer in your toolbox, doesn’t mean that’s all you’re ever going to need or that it will work for every situation.

Yet, when it comes to parenting this is what so many of us do.  We walk around with several tools in our parenting pack then only pull out one or two ‘favorites’  to deal with nearly every situation we face with our kids.

Now let me be clear here – this article is not about blame or judgment of any parents. We all deal with this challenge to a certain degree.  It’s about arming parents with awareness, because when we understand why we do things – or even that we do things – we have a chance to make positive changes in life.

Few of us have been taught to really look at our parenting pack, sort through the tools and figure out which ones will work best in any given situation. We’re not taught why the old tools keep popping up, how to transfer new ones into our pack or why new tools always feel so awkward.

So let’s start by taking stock of what tools you might already have…

The most prominent tools in your parenting pack will be those that were used on you when you were growing up.  It doesn’t matter if you loved or hated the tools that were used to ‘control’ you – if they were used more than a few times on you or resulted in a strong emotional response, they will most definitely be in your parenting pack now.

The only way to change that is to make a conscious decision to do so and to learn to notice when the tool you’ve picked up isn’t one you would really like to be using.  This is impossible to do on autopilot and can be a challenge even with awareness.

What’s shocking for many parents is when they realize that they are using old, ineffective tools on a regular basis, despite having knowledge and training of all kinds of current and effective tools.  Often, they’ve been trained for work or as a volunteer in areas like conflict resolution, negotiation, assertiveness training, group management and leadership skills, but never even thought about using it with their kids.

This is like ignoring the screwdriver and actually choosing to put the screw in with the hammer!

This happens for a variety of reasons, but the most common is because when we reach in our parenting pack we are looking for a tool that matches the emotional intensity of the moment. So while natural consequences might be a perfect answer, we may find ourselves grounding our child for a week instead and messing up a whole bunch of our family plans in the process.

In other words, without conscious thought we find ourselves grabbing our favorite hammer to complete a task that would be much better handled with a wrench or a pair of pliers.

Sometimes we  have a good tool (i.e. consequences, time-out, clear directive…), but use it so much our kids tune it out and fail to learn the real message behind the discipline.  For the parents, overuse creates habit and habit result in our using autopilot to conserve energy. From the child’s perspective, overuse creates boredom and a desire to test.

My message to parents is to start to notice the tools you are using, when you are using them and whether or not they are working effectively.  The favorite tools I come across most often are; grounding, privilege removal, spanking, yelling, or threatening one of the above.

Then remember your lessons from a hammer…

1. When you parent on autopilot, you are most likely to pull out your favorite tool, rather than the best one for the job.
2. If you don’t have very many tools to choose from, it’s time to start building up your inventory. Although resources can help with this, you don’t have to read a book or take a course to do it.  Start by unleashing your own creative thinking and see what you can come up with.
3. Even a great tool can miss the mark and cause injury if you are not paying attention when using it. Think about what you are trying to achieve and if a tool is doing more harm than good, take a deep breath to calm yourself and either try again later, or choose another tool.

photo credit bigstock.com/kenhurst

There is a fine line between assertively standing up for yourself and aggressively attacking. This is because the emotions that push us to stand up for something we believe in are the same ones that often make us overreact. When we are fueled by anger, good things are rarely the result.

So, the first thing I teach people about being assertive is that standing up for themselves, or what they believe in, is a gift to themselves. It’s about making sure their thoughts or needs are recognized – by authentically sharing their message – rather than changing the other person’s behaviour.

In other words, the assertive part is about honouring your need to be heard and not about getting your way. Thankfully, by speaking our mind in a strong, confident voice we will often see positive changes happen around us, but that is a bonus and not our reason for using this skill.

Unfortunately when we react out of anger, fear or embarrassment we often disconnect from what’s really going on for us and allow our brain to feed our emotion rather than our needs.  When we allow strong emotions to fuel our fire, we must be aware there is a chance for things to rage out of control.  This is similar to a dog viciously attacking someone when a tiny growl or raise of the lip would have done the trick.

Interestingly, it is walking my dog that often reminds me of this situation first hand and allows me to practice what I teach.  My current dog has been with me for five years and I have worked hard to establish myself as her pack leader.  I know that my calm, assertive energy is all that is required to achieve this goal.  I use an authoritative voice and body posture that clearly tells the dog she needs to listen to what I tell her to do.

Then I go out for a walk.

On occasion my dog will decide she doesn’t need to listen to me because whatever is going on around her is far more interesting than what her pack leader is telling her to do. When this happens, I invoke my teachings and calmly tell her what I need.  She ignores me.  This sends an angry message to my brain – “she’s ignoring you, better amp up the volume.”

If I can remain calm and in-control the blood will continue to flow to the thinking part of my brain and allow me to assertively make my stand. In this situation should my dog continue to ignore me I could; turn back home (if she’s on leash), walk away (if she’s off), assert myself again, walk over to her and put her back on her leash, etc.  If I stay calm, I might even catch her.

About once a month, I take the outcome of my calm response (my dog ignoring me) personally – and allow my thoughts to start feeding my anger.  Our brains have no access to the outside world so all mine understands is that I’m angry and unchecked anger means danger.  When the brain gets this message, it naturally moves into a fight or flight response and diverts the blood away from the thinking part of my brain, to the more primitive survival area. In this case, I typically choose ‘fight’ and become the angry cave woman who, quite honestly, nobody wants to listen to…including my dog.

Being assertive never involves yelling, threatening, accusing or bullying. Behaving in this manner doesn’t strengthen us or increase our confidence, but allows us to vent in an uncontrolled fashion (similar to a volcano erupting) only to be followed by feelings like, shame, guilt, disappointment or blame.  It lowers us in the eyes of those we are dealing with (even dogs) and makes it harder for others to respect us.

The more we practice maintaining our self-control and recognizing when we are about to strike out rather than assert, the more we can keep the thinking part of our brain working for us.  Clearer thinking, allows us to stay calm and practice being assertive, which – when it comes to standing in our power – is half the battle.

When it comes to parenting there is a lot of pressure to be at our best, to raise happy, healthy kids who fit in beautifully to society, and to do it all with little to no training.  

This kind of thinking tends to put us on the spot, makes us feel faulty and causes us to compare ourselves to others as a way to measure how successfully we are reaching our goals.

This is not fair and this video tells you why!

If you have trouble viewing this video please to directly to Youtube: http://youtu.be/e_Ve5hbfMJY

photo credit: bigstock.com/becky_abell

Our beliefs are simply ideas that we have accepted as real and adopted into our day to day living. Said another way, they are thoughts we have over and over until they solidify into something much stronger.  They are extremely powerful, as they create our reality and actually have the power to block out things that would contradict them.

Think about that for a moment…our beliefs have the power to block out things that contradict them! This means they can hold us back, help us move forwards, help us feel good about ourselves or cut us off from new possibilities.  The real kicker…many of our beliefs are ‘fed’ to us when we are too young to even think about questioning them.

There is a saying …What you believe to be true you will prove to yourself 100% of the time. I’m not sure who wrote it, but it sums up this idea beautifully.  You create your reality and this reality is based on your beliefs. Becoming aware of your beliefs allows you to make changes in your life, to fully embrace your personal power and to open your eyes to all kinds of possibilities.

What can you do with this exciting information?

photo credit: bigstock.com/tim

Start noticing the beliefs that you carry around.  Do you believe all work and no play makes Jack a rich, but dull boy?  Do you believe being rich brings happiness? Do you believe education is critical to getting ahead in life or that life is too short to spend it doing a job you hate?

These beliefs will shape what you think about money, work, education and number of hours worked. They will influence how you feel when you go to work, receive your paycheque, deal with colleagues, and even how you feel about people like Jack. They will affect the kind of worker you are, your reactions to problems and how easily you tackle new tasks.

In other words:  Your beliefs shape your thoughts… which influence how you feel… which affect how you behave.  Your beliefs create your reality.

Isn’t it amazing that something that holds the key to so many wonderful things in our life, is so rarely questioned by us?  In fact, most of us have been raised to accept our beliefs as the truth and not to question them at all. Not because the people who raised us are bad people, but because they too have been taught not to question a foundation that seem so real and undisputable. This limits us, sets us up for heartbreak and stops us from embracing the unique journey we have come here to experience.

So start to notice your beliefs.  Beliefs about animals, kids, work, money, cleanliness, food,  health, diseases, love, marriage, religion, spirituality, sleep, exercise, your own ability … anything and everything.

When you come across one that doesn’t help you move forwards, makes you feel bad about yourself, or holds you back in any way, question it.  Start poking holes into the thoughts that have gelled together to bring this belief into being.  Look for information that contradicts your original belief, open your mind to new information, play with shifting your perspective and start setting the stage for changes to occur. The more you poke holes in the supporting thoughts around that belief the quicker you can adapt that belief to support you on your own journey.

Finally, have fun with this task. There is no benefit in blaming others or regretting the time you have spent trapped by certain beliefs. Instead, put your energy into embracing the wonderful enlightenment and freeing feeling that comes from the recognition that you really are the creator of your own reality – then believe it and watch it happen.

photo credit: bigstock/ostill

This is a distressing place to be.

From the time we are young, we start to learn about friendship and relationship and the influence those things can have on our life.  In the ideal world, this learning helps us figure out how to build strong, positive relationships; how to communicate our needs to others; and what kind of people we like being around so we can surround ourselves with friendships that feed us and help us bring out the best in ourselves.

In reality, many of us struggle with relationships throughout life making it hard for us to know what to do when a critical one isn’t growing the way we had hoped it would.  Our communication skills might not be passing along our intended message and strong emotions might be hurting our efforts rather than helping them.

The parent-child relationship is different from any other relationship in adult life because while you might have chosen to bring this person into your life, you did not get to place an order for a child with likes, dislikes, personality or energy level compatible to your own.  In fact, it’s likely most of your pre-baby energy went into envisioning showering that little bundle of joy with love, opportunity and happy memories rather than thinking about what you would do if you don’t get along and enjoy each other.

Then suddenly there it is…that moment when you realize that as much as you love your child and that you would never walk away from your relationship with him, you really don’t like him as a person and find yourself waking up each morning wishing it was time to put him to bed. You hate yourself for feeling this way and at this stage of the game wonder if you were even intended to be a parent.

What you need to know is you are not alone – many parents experience this situation at some point in their child’s development.  You may have heard the idea that when you do not enjoy another’s company it is because they are mirroring back to you something about yourself you do not like.  If you look at it from that angle, your child spends a lot of time with you and as a result has an opportunity to do a lot of mirroring.  Not to mention the fact that as parents we do tend to believe our children’s behaviour is a direct reflection of our ability to parent.

If you can take a step back from your situation and rather than see your child’s behaviour as some sort of punishment or negative reflection of your parenting ability, recognize it for what it is – a challenge to overcome – then the situation becomes much easier to deal with.

While it’s not really necessary to identify the underlying reason for why this ‘dislike’ is happening, it can be helpful to become aware of some of the more common ones:

• Your child is in a stage of development that you do not understand or enjoy
• You are so caught up in the stress of parenting, you are unable to find the fun in it
• Your personality does not ‘click’ with that of your child
• You are so much like your child you clash and can’t even see it
• Relationships are a key area of growth for you on your journey

Recognizing the truth in one of the above reasons can help you figure out what you can do to work your way through this time with your child.  If it’s a personality clash, it would be beneficial to learn about personalities and what you can do to make your home environment work for both of you.  If it’s parenting stress, you might want to take some courses or do some reading to help you ‘lighten up’ and bring back in some of the fun.

No matter what the reason, the first gift you can give yourself, is an understanding of how to build strong relationships so that no matter how long this stage persists you’re building a mutually respectful and loving relationship with your child.  This simple understanding can make the difference over the long haul and has the added benefit of providing skills that are transferrable to every relationship in your life.