Did you know that one, healthy, positive and loving relationship with an adult in a child’s life can be enough to help her overcome all obstacles?

Did you know that how you correct your child and deal with his or her misbehaviours has a huge impact on both your child’s self-worth and your relationship with him or her?

Parents are putting incredible amounts of money and energy into ensuring their kids have access to wonderful programs, outstanding educational opportunities and the like, often at the expense of their daily interactions with them. The pressure put on parents to do it all and do it right, is enormous and makes it hard for them to really see the whole picture.

The stress they experience as they rush their kids from one program to another, or deal with ‘opportunity destroying’ behaviours, is setting them up to react – often in ways that damage relationships and self-esteem. Many of these parents want to do things differently, but they quite simply don’t know how and do not have the time or energy to look into it.

Besides, they’ll say, my parents raised me this way and I turned out okay. That may be true, but it’s likely you’ve also had a few ‘issues’ you’ve needed to overcome in order to really grow to your full potential and it’s even more likely you are still working through them. Once we know something, we cannot pretend we don’t know it, without experiencing feelings like guilt, fear or worry.

The quickest and easiest gift a parent can give to themselves and their child, is to take a few moments to really understand the difference between discipline and punishment.

With self-awareness and an understanding of how these things differ, parents can begin to make small changes in their reactions, so that they are giving their kids an advantage and building a solid relationship at the same time.

Discipline in an ideal world:

Discipline is about learning and as such is a tool used by adults to guide children towards appropriate behaviour.  It teaches the child why a behaviour is unacceptable and provides him with an opportunity to fix mistakes. It focuses on the behaviour as the problem (rather than the child), which helps the child see how changing his behaviour can help him make better decisions in the future.

Discipline teaches important life skills (i.e. problem solving, being assertive, negotiation, effective communication, etc) and provides the child with an opportunity to test out different solutions. It is delivered by a calm, controlled adult with the child’s best interest at heart.

The child does not feel picked-on, defective or embarrassed to have made a mistake and when all is said and done, feels stronger than when the situation began. This good feeling helps him internalize what he has learned and begins the creation of a moral code that he’ll be able to draw on throughout his life. This results in less repeat problem behaviours – even when the adult is not around to enforce things. It also creates a strengthening of the adult-child bond which is beneficial to relationship and self-worth.

Punishment in its extreme:

Punishment is about teaching a lesson and is geared at making a child so uncomfortable she would never consider offending in this way again. Over-reaction by the punisher is common as emotion is “allowed” and often fed by the powerful feeling that accompanies this behaviour.  As a result the adult frequently ends up modeling a behaviour that contradicts what he or she really wants the child to learn.

For punishment to work, the child must believe the adult has the authority to tell her what to do and the power to follow through on consequences if she does not listen. Punishment relies on the child fearing a possible outcome (which, incidentally, is exactly what bullying relies on as well). The child learns that the person with the most power wins, which shifts the focus from learning why a behaviour was wrong, to craving power.

In punishment, the child is often seen as the problem which diminishes self-esteem and makes it a much harder problem to fix (i.e. if a child is told she’s irresponsible and will never amount to anything – her focus will shift from her current behaviour to her personal defect). Although the child may be given the chance to fix what was done, she’s usually not given a choice about how this should happen or taught how to come up with good solutions for future reference.

The emotional delivery of punishment often causes a shift from learning to resentment or revenge aimed at the punisher or the person who turned the offender in. It does not promote responsibility taking, but instead teaches the child how to blame others or how not to get caught. The relationship with the adult suffers with repeat offenses as the severity of punishment tends to escalate over time.

Quick questions you can ask in the heat of the moment to become aware if you are more prone to using punishment (P) or discipline (D).

Am I trying to guide my child towards making a “good” decision (D) or am I trying to get my way, teach a lesson or save face (P)?

Am a allowing my emotions to influence the consequences and how I deliver them (P) or am I calmly yet firmly delivering a pre-planned consequence (D)?

Am I providing my child with information he can use to help him make future decisions similar to this one (D) or am I demanding he do what I say because I’m the adult (P)?

Would I be okay using this tool (exactly as I am right now) in front of an adult I really admire (D) or would I quickly change tactics (or feel embarrassed) if I knew this person was watching (P)?

Can I feel emotion surging through me while correcting my child (P) or have I taken the time to deal with my emotion before talking to my child (D)?

Am I modeling the kind of person I’m hoping my child will one day become (D) or is my behaviour contradicting what I normally expect from my child (P)

There are many more questions you could ask yourself to determine which parenting style you are leaning towards at the moment. What’s important is that if you want to be using discipline and find your default is set more towards punishment, then it’s time to start learning some new techniques.  Focus on understanding and making small changes to your own behaviours and amazing things will start happening for your family.

For more guidance on this topic check out our newly released e-book: I Don’t Want to Punish My Child, But What Else Can I Do?

How would you recognize her?

Is there someone who comes to mind when you ask yourself this question?

Every one of us has personal power at our disposal, but few of us use it on a regular basis.

When we become aware of the qualities we want to bring out in our life, it becomes easier to recognize when we are not using them. This is not to make us feel bad, but to help us pinpoint our next area of growth so we can learn to stand strong in our power and focus on creating a life that feels great and supports our true potential.

Making Your List

If no one comes to mind when you think of the above questions start paying attention to others and notice things they do that you think demonstrate personal power. Write down the qualities or skills that associate with a “powerful” you.

Another option (which you might blend with the first) is to daydream what a powerful you would look like, sound like, and even what you would think and feel… make a list of qualities from scratch.

If you have someone who comes to mind – a parent, neighbour, boss, colleague, movie star or hero from a book – use that person to help you create your list. You might even role play being that person to see how it feels when you adopt these qualities.

Sometimes the things that we see as powerless will come to us more easily than the powerful qualities.  If this happens for you, jot down the idea as it comes up and then flip it to the quality you want on your list (i.e. weak, a pushover = has backbone or assertive).

Once you have your list, put a check mark beside any of the qualities that you already do regularly and highlight those you think it would be beneficial to continue practicing.  It’s the qualities you currently struggle with, or can’t even picture yourself doing, that will be your “growing points” and worth it to really work to develop.

Important Things To Keep in Mind

The skills on your list require constant upkeep and will disappear if not used. As new people come into your life you will be challenged in different ways, so just because you’ve felt powerful once, doesn’t mean you are finished and no longer have work to do in this area. This also means there is no need to feel bad for having work to do – it is, and always will be, an on-going process.

There is no right or wrong for this list, but it is important it feels perfect for you. Just because society says a powerful person doesn’t take any guff and couldn’t care less how others perceive her, doesn’t mean you have to do it that way. For me, I love the idea of standing up for what I believe in, but still care that my behaviour is respectful of other people. If I thought I had to treat people badly in order to be powerful, I would not be happy using my power.

Do not let limiting beliefs influence your list. In other words, even if you’ve been told all your life that you are a worry wart… that you come by it honestly (i.e. your sisters, mother, and grandmother are all worry warts) and that it will never change… this is not a true limitation. There are very few things that cannot be changed in life and it’s possible the very thing you are thinking you can’t change will be one of the main things you have come on this journey to accomplish. So write Worry-Free Woman on your list and start making it happen.

Let the true limitations in your life spark your creativity, rather than stop your growth. If you have commanding presence on your list and believe your wheelchair makes this impossible, you might feel you’ve hit a limitation that cannot be changed. If you stop there – you’re sunk.  But if you dig deeper and find that commanding presence to you means …that people notice your confidence and poise when you enter a room… then voice lessons, assertiveness training, requesting a special podium, or even a loud bell on your chair might help you stand in your power despite the chair.

So for now, start making your list. Notice your limitations – real or imagined – and use them to help you unleash your power and start living the life of your dreams.

We want to be great parents.

We want to have great kids.

But, we don’t want to need help in order to do it.

Logically, we recognize this doesn’t make sense. If we want to be a great tennis player, gardener, or writer, most of us would readily sign up to take some lessons… or at the very least do some research.  If we decide to just try it without any outside support, we would go in knowing we might not have all the answers and, at some point, might have to go to others for some help.

We recognize it is unlikely we will naturally know how to do these things and getting help in order to excel makes perfect sense.  It also means we will not beat ourselves up for not knowing how to do these things on our own and we’ll cut ourselves some slack while we are learning the ropes.

Parenting is a job like no other because it is constantly changing as our children grow and moves into new phases in life. We can expect to be learning the ropes for a long period of time. Between this, the fact that it changes with each child, and how demanding or emotionally taxing it can be (especially when sleep deprived), it’s not surprising we will never have all the answers.

So is it fair to think we should be able to be a great parent and raise great kids without any help or outside information? I think naught.

Interestingly, even when we recognize we need help as parents, or seek it out willingly to deal with a problem…we often do so from a rather defensive stance.

We don’t want to hear we’ve been doing things wrong, especially if it means we have to change how we’re doing things now. Changing a habit is always uncomfortable and if we aren’t even sure it will work, why do it?

This is like taking lessons from a golf-pro but deciding not to do what he says because it takes too much effort. While it’s perfectly fair to make this decision, it doesn’t help us get any further ahead in life.

Other times the advice we are being given feels wrong. Intuitively we know it’s not the right way for us to proceed, yet we do it anyway because that’s what our “teacher” is telling us to do. This is especially true when our kids are infants and we are making emotionally charged decisions like when or what to feed them, whether or not to pick them up when they cry and so on. We don’t trust ourselves to know how to do things right, so we decide what others tell us must be correct, despite our “bad” feeling.

Both of these ways of thinking are not helping us. Blocking new information or blindly following what we are told when it feels wrong, does not allow us to build confidence or grow as a parent.

Any time we learn something new it needs to be integrated into our own knowing in order to be useful.  In other words we don’t have to do exactly what someone else says, but we do need to hear it and perhaps try it, before we can adapt it to fit what feels right and natural for us. We also need to cut ourselves some slack and recognize we truly are learning on the job.

When parents understand this idea and realize that they really do have what it takes to be the perfect parent for their child (which doesn’t mean they have to be perfect!), they can begin to be the confident parent they were always meant to be.

So step number one to being a confident parent… is to notice the pressure you are putting on yourself and start taking strides to release it.

The problem with this feeling is, for many, it’s quite fickle. Just as you glimpse the view from the top of the world, something happens to bring you down a notch (or five) and suddenly you find self-doubt creeping in. What was I thinking? What kind of training do I have to really pull this off? That was too easy… I must have done something wrong.

This is not an uncommon scenario. It happens all time making observers wonder why a person can seem so capable one moment and so doubtful the next.

How does this happen? I mean – why is it that the same person can feel confident and strong one moment, and uncertain or fearful the next?

Some people claim that confidence comes from age, experience, life satisfaction or even personality traits. I disagree.

If this were true, then why can the same person experience both of these feelings mere seconds apart? Our personality, age and experience do not change that quickly.

Although there is some merit to the idea of training and experience influencing our confidence, it really doesn’t explain things either, since some people exude confidence when they have zero training while others are filled with self-doubt despite years of practice.

I believe this happens because in one situation this person is holding strong to her personal power…and in the other she is not.

When you stand in your personal power you are capable of moving mountains…. but the moment you allow self-doubt, uncertainty, worry, guilt or fear to enter your mind, you are not. Many people, women especially, have not been taught how to stand in their power, and even when they accidentally land there, their inner critic and shaky self-worth knock them out pretty quickly.

As with everything else, awareness is the starting point to moving forwards on this issue.

• Begin by paying attention to how often you feel strong, confident and self-assured.
  i.e. are you confident most days, moment by moment, or rarely (if at all)?
• Notice where self-doubt, fear, worry, etc., creep in and how they present themselves.
  i.e. Do they come from your inner critic – that voice in your head that reminds you of your weaknesses or failures – or perhaps it’s something someone else does or says, which you decide to take personally?
• Pay attention to how it feels when you stand in your power and how it feels when you step out.
  i.e. If you’re a parent you might stand in your power with your kids, but not with people at work. Or maybe you stand strong when dealing with your partner, but not your mother.

By becoming aware and noticing when your power deserts you, how it feels when it’s happening, and what you are thinking when these situations come about, you are opening the door to making powerful changes in your future. The view from the top of the world – no matter how fleeting it is – is amazing and worth the effort to get there. All journeys start with a single step – are you ready to begin yours?

Watch on Youtube: http://youtu.be/zqBObhRFNsA

Anyone can boss people around…but not everyone will be a great boss. If we focus on the qualities that separate an ordinary boss from a really great boss and then apply them to our parenting strategies, we will raise great kids.

Ten qualities of a great boss:

1. Patient with good self-control. A great boss is predictable in that he stays calm and controlled despite the situation. He does not allow his emotions to determine his reaction, but instead uses them to guide him on a path to discovery. Patience and self-control are two things that can challenge us when dealing with our children. Practicing these skills with our kids is a win-win situation.

2. Clear expectations. Expectations are not a guessing game when you have a great boss. This type of leader will be clear on what she expects, when it needs to be done by and who she expects to do it. With our kids this might translate into Susi, the table needs to be cleared before you go outside.

3. Acknowledges a job well done. We all like to hear when we’ve done a good job and especially appreciate being told what it was we did well. With our kids we can do this by using effective feedback, Thanks for putting away your toys, the room looks so much nicer when we all pick up after ourselves.

4. Cares about the individual. For a boss, this means knowing a bit about the employee’s life outside of work – birthdays, weekend plans, sick children, etc. For parents, this involves knowing what their child is dealing with in life, who his friends are, his IT interests (sites surfing, games playing, shows watching) as well as his current hobbies.

5. Teaches, then trusts. A great boss will show you a new task, allow you to try it, make sure you understand it, and then trust you to do the job.

Read more: http://www.jbfsaleblog.com/raising-leaders-using-great-boss-skills-to-raise-great-kids/

photo by: VibrantImage/bigstock.com

R = Respect; treat yourself like the worthy, incredible person that you are… stand up for yourself & know you are great, no matter where others pretend that you rate

E = Explore Options; recognize that there are many ways to overcome a challenge in life… the best way around a problem might be totally new, so it’s important you search for the best way for you

S = Self-Assured; know you have what it takes to handle whatever life throws your way…you don’t need to be able to know everything now, what you need to remember is you can figure out how

I = Imagination; allow your creativity to flow and invent new solutions…what was once out of sight, living only in a dream, has now become a reality, here to be seen

L = Love life; focus on the positives and enjoy the little moments as they arise… life’s full of corners, valleys & hills, we can view them as set-backs or see them as thrills

I = Innate; understand resiliency is a natural part of each of us… it’s pretty amazing what people survive – and an absolute miracle how most of them thrive

E = Expectation; see situations as opportunities to learn, practice and expand rather than bad or unfair… what we expect affects how we feel, which alters our perspective and repels or appeals

N = Natural; allow the real you to shine through and watch your personal power grow…if you can be genuine, authentic & true, you’ll never be confused about who’s really you

T = Tough; refuse to be put in the victim role, only helplessness, fear & disability grow there… you are capable, durable, adaptable & strong, any who suggest otherwise are quite simply – wrong

by: Debbie Pokornik

To some of us this sounds terrible – who are we to force our kids to comply? To others it sounds fantastic – you’re darn right my kids better listen to me! In reality Parent Power is neither good nor bad. It is there by virtue of our role as parents and how we use it can make all the difference in our growing relationship with our child.

Important things to know about Parent Power:

• Used carefully it can be extremely helpful. It allows us to respectfully guide our kids towards appropriate behaviour and build good, strong relationships with them at the same time.
• It must be used by a calm, controlled parent to be effective. Any time we overreact and “lose it” we diminish our Parent Power
• It relies on our children believing in this power for it to work.
• As our kids grow older our Parent Power naturally decreases. By the time our kids are teenagers we must rely on the mutual respect we have built with them to live cooperatively together.
• Used in a negative way Parent Power can cause our kids to tune us out, call our bluff, comply out of fear, or, in extreme circumstances, be removed from our home. It is very difficult to respect a person who lacks self-control and uses their power unfairly.
• Because Parent Power is most often used behind closed doors, there is plenty of opportunity to misuse or overuse it.

Recognizing Parent Power
Some common phrases or actions we might use to flex our Parent Power muscle are:

• Because I said so…
• I am your parent and you’ll do as I say
• I have told you to do something and you need to listen to me
• As long as you are under my roof

• Using a loud or authoritative voice
• Intentionally towering over your little one to give your words more power
• Shooting an “I mean business” look at your child to gain compliance
• Using your strength to force your child to do something you’ve asked him to do (i.e. go to his bedroom)

These are not necessarily bad things for us to do. There are times when we need to gain our kids’ compliance and in cases where they have decided not to listen—this is how we do it. Those parents with a very full parenting pack of strategies and techniques, might rarely (if ever) get to the above examples, but I guarantee they use this power in some other way.

Where it becomes a problem is when we start using this power just to get our way without doing any of the teaching or mentoring that is required in between. Our goal as parents is to teach our kids how to think so they can make good sound decisions on their own. We cannot do this by regularly using power comments or actions just to get our way.

Using your Parent Power is not a bad thing—it has been given to you as a tool to use. Becoming aware of how and when you are using it can tune you in to what you are teaching and whether or not you are building the relationship you really would like to have with your child.

How do you use your power?  I’d love to read your comments below.

Tip 2 – When you have a big/important project and feel the urge to side-track, ask yourself if this new task is one you can just walk away from when inspiration strikes or if it is something you will have to take time to finish or clean up before moving back to your original task.

If so, and you still want to do this task, break it into tiny pieces that will allow you to work on the task without overwhelming yourself with a second project.  For example if I suddenly feel the urge to clean out my supply closet, I will limit myself to one shelf at a time, one file drawer, or one folder box.  This way the moment I’m struck by inspiration I can get right down to the task at hand and not have a huge fritter mess to clean up first (or afterwards).

Tip 3 – Set a time limit for the side-tracking.  Tell yourself you’ll take 10 minutes to play with your kids, throw the ball for the dog, ride on your exercise bike…or whatever the new task is.  Then for 10 minutes go and enjoy it guilt free.  If 10 minutes is over and you are having so much fun you don’t want to quit ask yourself how much more time you need.

Amazingly you’ll often receive an answer.  You might sense 5 more minutes are required, find your kids get side-tracked themselves, notice the dog has lost enthusiasm for the ball, or you’ll suddenly get a huge inspiration and practically run back to your desk to finish your original task.

You can’t put an amount of time on how long it will take your right brain to kick in, but just being aware of the amount of time you are allotting and then fully engaging for that amount of time will often make it happen.

Tip 4 – Use the side-track as an opportunity to multi-task.  In other words while you walk the dog, cut the grass, do the dishes… gently think about the original task and see what arises.  Talk aloud if you’re an auditory (and can do so without embarrassing yourself too badly), or just daydream about it.  Creativity is inspired by a body in motion…use the motion to help you do your initial task.

Tip 5 – Listen to your body. If you’ve tried the above and still feel a strong resistance to going back to your original task, it’s time to take a closer look at the picture.  Ask yourself how important completing this task is, if it has to be done today, or if there could be a bigger reason you don’t want to do it?  The resistance could be telling you something important about your life path, your relationship, your job, or even about the task itself.  I’ve had situations when I can’t seem to focus on a task only to find out the next day that I had misunderstood and didn’t need to do it (or was doing it wrong, etc).

Every once in a while, look back at all your side-tracking situations and see what it’s done for (or to) you.  Has it helped you feel more fulfilled and complete more tasks?  Then my guess is you are tapping into your intuition and only good will come from listening.  On the other hand if you now have the neatest desk in the world and 1000 new friends on Facebook, but have still not completed a task you’ve identified as important that you do, perhaps it’s time to call a fritter a fritter and in the famous words of Nike “just do it”!