There was a time in my parenting life, when I really wondered if the amount of effort I was putting into raising my kids was worth the effort. I had a lot of great reasons for parenting the way I did, but on the more trying of days I couldn’t help but think I might be making it harder than it needed to be.
Looking at it now I realize I found this job so hard for the following reasons:
1. I cared a lot about doing a good job and being a great parent
2. Because I cared about doing a good job, I was putting a lot of energy into being self aware and analyzing why things had gone the way they did
3. Because I was analyzing things so much and really looking for the “reason” behind things, I was taking both my own and my kids mistakes/failures personally
4. Because I was taking things personally I was allowing self-doubt, guilt and uncertainty to weigh me down
I thought this would be an interesting revelation to share with fellow parents. Parenting (in my opinion) is harder when you really care about doing a good job. The other reasons were caused more by my own efforts and less from anything my kids were doing.
If I hadn’t cared so much, I might have just reacted – punished when it suited my purpose and raised kids who listened to me because they felt they had no other choice. I don’t mean to be minimizing the challenges faced by parents who have taken this route or to even suggest it is wrong, but I can tell you this…
Today I have strong, positive relationships with my kids. They truly are wonderful teens – sure my son wears his pants too low, exhausts me with his negotiating and has a real “smart” mouth at times. He’s a “C” average student in high school and I’m sure will make some “interesting” choices as life goes along. Despite this, he is well liked, communicative and respectful most of the time.
My daughter gets involved in (sometimes causes) all kinds of friendship drama at school and has a look that can kill from twenty feet away. Her room is messy beyond belief and she avoids chores like the plague. But she is also very caring, determined, self assured and creative. She excels at school and is quick to pick up when people are not respecting her boundaries.
Both of them make me laugh a lot and bring way more joy into my life than they could ever take from it. I have, and will continue, to make numerous parenting errors…but somehow I now know these things only add to the parenting experience.
So, if you are parenting young children, putting in a lot of effort and questioning if it is worth it, I believe it truly is. I think I would have benefited from hearing that back when those feelings were surfacing for me and that is why I share this story.
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Debbie,
This is truly one of the most heartfelt insightful articles I have read in a very long time! You have really brought to light the issues that are truly important for parents to pay attention to…neat & clean room or caring heart…our interpretation of appropriate dress or loving personality!
As you say, it does take effort. Although one of the things I stress to parents that reduces the anxiety and pressure is to remember that although we as their parents are indeed the most influential people in our children’s lives, we are not in this alone. Understanding that our children are in our care to inspire them to explore who they really are releases us from feeling like all they choose to be or not be is on our shoulders. This is their journey. We are blessed to be sharing it with them!
Thanks for sharing this, I certainly hope you are publishing this as an article. It is something all parents will benefit from.
Blessings,
denny
Thanks Denny. I totally agree with you about us being an inspiration for our kids exploration, rather than taking responsibility for who they are becoming. I feel very blessed (most days) to be sharing my kids journey with my two.
Take care and thanks again,
Debbie
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